No matter where you go, there you are

I'll post more pictures and stuff about Paris later on, but first let me share a few thoughts on our recent trip.

You know the old phrase, "no matter where you go, there you are"? That was us on this trip. We went pretty far (5000+ miles from home) and yet we were still very much the same people. We were tired and we were sad before we left. We were tired and sad in Paris.

When we planned the trip a year in advance, we were happy energetic people. We had two dogs. After Lola passed away, we talked about canceling the trip. I said, "We can be sad here, or we can be sad in Paris. Either way we're going to be sad. We can't get our money back so let's go be sad in Paris. Hey, it'll still be Paris!" Turns out I was quite right. And I hadn't factored in how much grief takes out of your body. We were incredibly tired. Me being me, I refused to slow down and pushed us both to see and do as much as possible. Sunday evening when we came home to change shoes, laid down to have a little half hour rest at 6 pm and stayed in bed until 9 am the next morning. Yep, we needed sleep.

I have found the hardest moments of grieving over Lola the moments when I am calm and quiet and my mind is able to really pause and feel the loss. So I run around in a frenzy and try to keep my mind busy, busy, busy. Kicker is, grief is very patient and just waits for me. So we go on a plane for 12 hours and I cried three times. Look at me... Headed to Paris... Crying! What a pathetic sight.

So that sets you up for our arrival in Paris. But as I said, it would still be Paris. Right?

I had this dreamy scenario in my head:
We would arrive in Paris to a cold but clean city covered in white twinkling lights. As we slept on our first night there, a light snow would begin to fall. I would hear this in my sleep and get out of bed at 5 am, head out with my camera and capture the virgin snow covering every monument in a twilight of light before anyone started walking through or making tracks in the ever deepening white. All over town neighborhood "March Nöels" would pop up and we'd fill a piece of luggage with exotic handcrafted old world Europe ornaments and decor. The snow would stop and the city would come out to play in front of a background of hundreds of Christmas pines that have been brought in to make Paris more festive...

Now let's talk about reality.

It snowed three days before we got there. DEEP SNOW. When we landed there was still a ground cover of white out by the airport, as we drove further and further into the city, the snow turned darker gray, more icy and diminished. As we began to recognize landmarks and get our bearings, I could see the street clearing crews out with their wheelbarrow full of salt and their shovels scrapping the last frozen remnants into the gutter. Paris was clear and dry except for just a few patches of ice here and there on lesser traveled sidewalks. (Oh, and it has 2 inches of snow predicted for Thursday. Cruel, cruel weather pattern.)

When we travel, you'll never catch us in the busiest places at the peak of tourist season. We've been to Paris in June (just before the tourists), in April (it was still cold), in January (great sales) and we thought this would be just like those other trips. But it wasn't. The city was PACKED. We finally gave up on the idea of shopping altogether. Can you imagine?

Paris is the equivalent of New York City. Christmas is a VERY popular time to go into the big city and see the sights and do your shopping. You could not walk through the department stores. Every subway train was packed.

The city does indeed bring in thousands of Christmas trees and place them all over the streets. But ten trees in a group every 15 blocks with one string of lights on each tree... uh, I am from America where it's not done until its OVER DONE. It was... uh quaint, but not what I had pictured in my mind.

And this is where two topics need to be addressed. First, my expectations. THEY COULD NEVER HAVE BEEN MET. I needed to check that the very first day. It's not as if I have ever had unrealistic expectations of a Christmas fantasy before... oh wait, that's my entire life. So the good news is, I was able to see that for what it was and adjust accordingly.

The second issue is cultural divide. It took a few days for me to wrap my head around the difference between my American culture and the French culture as it treats Christmas. In France it seemed there are two options on how you observe Christmas. It is either a holy holiday with the nativity on display, or you throw out all religious connotations and add strobing lights and tinsel and make it all about the FLASH. No in between. In the US we smudge those lines closer and closer to the point where you have light up nativities, and Santa ringing the church bells.

We are also a lot more about the consuming of Christmas. I found the Christmas ornament section at Galleries Lafayette (a huge department store) and came back and told Lyle that if I took out all my Christmas ornaments, I'd personally have more ornaments in my house than this store had for sale. And I wouldn't have any repeats. If I lived in a small Parisian apartment, where would I store all that?

The Christmas Market. I had read so much about these. I had a very clear mental picture of what these would present. We went out on our first day to the largest Christmas market of them all, the one along the Champs-Elysees. Now let me clear this up for anyone else going, they were more like a carnival or a swap meet. I know that sounds mean. I'm sorry. There were unique vendors selling all sorts of amazing meats and cheeses (which I could not bring home through customs, so they were off my list), but the rest of the stalls were Alpaca knit hats from Peru, toys from China, amber jewelry (at every single market), Russian nesting dolls (from China), food stalls offering hot wine, churros, snails (okay, that was different), Belgian waffles and of course there were the carnival rides. I'm spoiled. I have been to Peru (and just gave away my Alpaca gloves), I've been to China and I live in LA where I can get just about EVERYTHING including much of the meat and cheese I am not allowed to personally import. I was disappointed in the Christmas market.

In an ever more frantic search, I dragged Lyle to the markets at Champs-Elysées, Trocadero, Saint-Sulpice, Saint Germain-des-Pres, Place des Abbesses (never go to this subway station! It's a spiral staircase to get out and about 3 stories climb!) and Gare de l'Est. I skipped La Defense, Place de la Nation, Montparnasse and Disneyland Paris. That gives me a 60% coverage rate. I even dragged Lyle to the Maison de l'Alsace which promised traditional Alsatian goodies, only to find out that tradition dictates the goodies be mass produced.

Now I sound like a complainer. But I promise I am not. I am just dispelling my expectations and adjusting to the reality of the situation. I would even recommend going if are considering it. (But don't go with my original expectations. Go with my new adjusted reality.)

The crowds of people viewing the windows at Galleries Lafayette.

The retail windows were amazing. Many of them animated with special raised viewing platforms for small children to stand on so they can better see. The food we ate was incredible. I've already mentioned we were tired, so we didn't try any new restaurants, we repeated ones we know and appreciated. Isn't that something to say? "We just went back to restaurants we already knew in Paris." I just impressed myself!

The city was decked out in glittering lights and it was an experience I will never forget. There were so many things we loved and I will post more photos. But I like my house at Christmas. I like my over the top decorating style. I told Lyle I think we should stay home in December and enjoy being at home. I've also heard that Strasbourg has a really amazing Christmas market and if it's not exactly what I'm envisioning, it's not too far to hop over into Germany... the land of the nutcracker...

Au revoir Paris

The weatherman says it 27° outside but that it feels like 21°. Without even going outside, I believe the weatherman. Its time to go home to California.

We are packed and the car comes to get us in two hours. So thankful to have a car service and not raking a train. I may need on of those carts to get me out to the gate, my feet are so sore. Who are we kidding, I'd just have the cart drop me at duty free. I've still got euros burning a hole in my pocket!

Champs-Elysee at night

We walked the whole street from the ferris wheel at Place De La Concorde to the Arc d'Triomphe.

Then we climbed to the top of the Arch to see the amazing view.

Paris photos

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Random Paris photos

There was snow covering the ground as we landed at the airport just outside of Paris. There is 'mo snow left in the heart of the city.

The Christmas tree in front of Notre Dame.

The meat stall at the Christmas Market. I can't bring any of this home with me! So far, the one Christmas Market we've walked through on the Champs Elyses seemed more like a county fair or swap meet. Lots of crap, lost from china, lots of food stalls. I'm hoping they are different in other parts of town.

Final photo is for my niece Madeleine, of La Madeleine.

Breakfast of champions, Paris style.

Hôtel de Lutèce, Saint-Louis-en-l'Il

Our headquarters while in Paris.We are staying on an island in the middle of the river, or as some could say, we shall be "In Seine".

The name "Paris" is derived from the name of the Gallic tribe "the Parisii" and Lutece was the capital of the Parisii". After the conqest of Gaul by Julius Caesar in 52-1 B.C., it became formally known as "Lutece parisiorum" ("Lutece of the Parisii")

We shall be at the Hotel Lutece in Paris. I feel hysterically historical.

I wished too hard, I wished too early

Today as we fly to Paris I am seeing reports that snow has arrived before me. No fair, it was supposed to arrive with me!

My dream is to fall asleep watching it snow, set my alarm for 4 am and set out with my camera to take perfect untouched snow photos before anyone walks through it. Like this:

And so the snow arrives. Early.

Heavy snow yesterday shut Charles de Gualle-Roissy airport, paralysed the Paris bus network and forced operators of the Eiffel Tower to close the landmark tourist attractions, officials said. Motorists were warned that all motorways in the Paris region had become impassable and truckers were ordered to pull off highways and wait until conditions improved. One in five flights at CDG had already been canceled at the request of France's civil aviation authority due to poor weather forecast.

And it turns out that Paris currently looks like this:


We will most likely arrive to plowed streets, rain, and old dirty used snow. On the bright side we will be in Paris for four days.

Me, Lyle and "Le Sac Blue"

We started today by leaving our house at 7:30 am.

First class upgrades all the way to Paris.

The tree is in the Chicago airport (connecting) and is day 3 of the 12 days if Christmas (3 French hens), but I believe it's just a beautiful for us.

We arrive in Paris, Friday morning at 8:30 am.

Angry with the Universe much?

Sometimes the universe has strange plans for you, but forgets to let you in on the secret.

Last year as we were taking down the Christmas tree at New Years, Lyle said, "What would it take to get you to go less crazy for Christmas next year?" I told him he loved me because I was crazy for Christmas. He told me he loved me in spite of it.

We were in a hurry to get anything "alive" out of the house because we had to go to Vegas for work for ten days. We got the tree undecorated, handed the keys to the house sitter and offered him an extra fifty bucks to take the lights off because we had to leave the next day.

In late January, as I was taking down the "non living" decorations, Lyle said to me, "What would it take to get you to go less crazy for Christmas this year?" I told him it would go a lot faster if he would quit asking me questions and help me. He told me that if I didn't put so much crap up it wouldn't take so long to get it all put away.

At the end of February, when Lyle and I both were taking down the Christmas decorations in the kitchen, Lyle asked very quietly, "Seriously, what would it take to get you to go less crazy for Christmas this year?" And I said, "Book a trip to Paris in December."

In August, he asked me if I was serious, and I said, "Yes." and then the negotiations began in earnest.

"How much less would you do?"
I will just do a tree.
"Seriously, I've met you. You can't do that."
Okay, just a tree and the outside lights.
"No mantle?"
Uh, maybe a light mantle, but no garland.
"No dining room?"
No garland, well, maybe just the chandelier?

By now you can see that instead of negotiating me DOWN, Lyle is actually negotiating me UP. What he didn't know is that inside my head I was planning the WORLD'S LARGEST CHRISTMAS TREE. My plan was to place it smack in the middle of the house between the dining room and the living room. I'd even had a new outlet installed in the Spring with its own circuit breaker so I could put THOUSANDS of LIGHTS on it.

And then he called my bluff and bought tickets to Paris in December.

I kept planning a tree for the house that would compete with the tree at Rockefeller Center. Chandelier arms! Full size nutcrackers! Maybe a small tree on the roof to imply that the I burst through the ceiling?

And then in November, Lola passed away. And I wanted to curl up in a ball and cancel Christmas. No tree. No lights. No nutcrackers. Covers over my head. At least we had that trip to Paris planned and that kept me thinking I had something to look forward to.

And I was PISSED OFF at the universe for pre-planning a subdued Christmas. I was mad that it knew what was coming. It knew I wouldn't want to decorate. And I wanted my baby puppy back and would trade all my Christmas decor to get her, but it doesn't work that way.

So I forged ahead. I made sure we got a tree the day after Thanksgiving because I was afraid if I waited, I really would skip it all together. The tree arrived on Friday and it took me until Monday to get it lit. Then it took until Wednesday to get it decorated. It took help and I am grateful for it.

The tree has 2400 lights on it. No chandeliers arms, half the nutcrackers. No garland on the mantle and none on the dining room chandelier. I love my tree and am glad to have this scaled down Christmas.

Tomorrow we go to Paris. I am hoping for snow.

All Decked Out

This years theme is Nutcracker. Thanks to Lyle and Rachel, we got all the ornaments on and are ready for Christmas!

The tree is lit!

1800 lights. Let's face it, there'd be more but I ran out.

Christmas in Beverly Hills

The tree has arrived!

For my friends up North

Tough Day

In the last few months, Lola was up to three hundred pills a month.

Today was tough day. Today is the day that I put away all of Lola's pills. We called the vet to see what our options were. Though we could not "return" them, we could bring them back and at the vet's discretion, they can offer them to a client who is unable to afford these drugs but needs them. Yes, it feels good to pass along the good deed.

Lyle and I have agreed that anything that makes us remember the happy crazy Lola can stay in place for as long as either one of us wants it to. Things that make us remember an ill Lola can be put away.

We put away the extra carpet runner that was only down so she could have better footing in the bedroom. We put away the extra dog pad in the living room that she only laid on when she was sick. We put away the small throw rugs from the back of the house that she would pee on when we didn't let her out fast enough.

We kept out the bed she slept in each night. We kept out the blanket she slept under. Her collar is easily found in the drawer. There are photos of her everywhere.

So you'd think letting go of these pills would be a cinch but I have been a wreck over them. I finally found the words to explain to Lyle, "I've been putting together Lola's pills for 6 years. They've gotten more and more complex and I have always been the one to lay them out two weeks at a time. FOR SIX YEARS since she first had her kidney issues to this month. And I realized that I am still waiting for her to come back to us. Her bed is ready. Her collar is ready. If I don't have her pills, how will she survive?"

And I had to let them go.

I tell everyone I am okay. I tell everyone Lyle is worse than me. I am pretty certain I am lying through my teeth. Because I am not okay. I am not ready to let go. But I don't have a choice.

Guess this year's Christmas theme!

Good Grief

This blog has been stuck for some time now. You may not have noticed, but I have. I had some crap happen through work last September and since many of the people involved know about this blog, I shut it down. You'd never have noticed. I still posted, I just didn't share anything with too much honesty. I was angry and deeply hurt and it was all so overwhelming that I couldn't (and still won't) go into it here. Short version, a friendship ended. It was like a death. And I needed to work through my emotions.

Then came and actual death in my family. When my uncle passed away in March, I was going to say it "required me to grow" but that would be an unfair characterization. I chose to grow in such a way I had never anticipated. Seeing my dad in pain was not something I could ever have planned for. My mom is always the person in charge. This time, though she rose to the occasion, it was still bigger than her and it took an entire family of us to make it through together. Nothing in my life has ever been bigger than what my parents could handle. They stepped back, or maybe it was to the side, but they made room for all of my siblings and relatives to take their turn. To shoulder the weight they could not bear alone.

My mom always says that once you learn something, you are responsible for it. Though I willingly took that class in March, I was not ready for being responsible for this new knowledge.

As I look around my circle of friends I see a lot of them stepping up to learn similar lessons. And it breaks my heart to know the pain that comes with the lessons. I recently needed to sit down and write a note to share my sympathy with a friend who lost a loved one. I was stuck.

There aren't any words to make it better.

In contrast, just knowing someone else is caring for you and holding you in their thoughts can somehow still give so much comfort. No specific words can make it better, but using words to share your feelings can ease the pain.

I sat down and I wrote from my gut what I was thinking.

I wish I could give a big hug that would make it all better. I’ve sat before and tried to think of something to send, chocolates, flowers, a beef stew... anything to fix the pain. But as we all know, nothing seems to "fix" this neatly or simply.

I liken grief to a giant wave that washes over you. At first, that wave hits you over and over throwing you on the shore filling your swimsuit with sand. And it's very uncomfortable and really scratchy!

The only thing I’ve found that helps is time. With time, the waves come less frequently. Sorry to say, they don't stop coming. They don't even hit any less powerful. But they will slow down to hitting every ten minutes, instead of constantly. Then the wave will hit once an hour, twice a day, and so on.

I think it's healthy to acknowledge your emotions. The more you fight to keep them away, the longer it takes to process what is going on. I have found myself blindsided with grief at times and just sat down and bawled hysterically for five minutes. It felt horrible in the moment, but for me, it let all that "stuff" get out. I was able to stand up and get back to my day.

Sometimes when a person passes away, we step back and try to make the hurt go away by pretending it never happened. No one talks about the absent loved one, no wants to bring up a "touchy" subject. The person passes away and then "disappears." Before my uncle passed away he gave his car to my niece. After his death, his car sat in my parent's driveway waiting for my brother and his family to come and get it. My mom told me every day she would walk out the door and see his car and in her head she would be reminded, "Ed is dead." She was looking forward to the day when the car would leave and start it's new life so she could walk out the door and not be reminded. That day came and my brother and his family came and took the car home. The next day my mom walked outside and was surprised to be hit by her emotions. Now my uncle wasn't just dead, he was gone. And she went through her grief all over again.

After a my good friend Robb's dad passed away, we were visiting his mom. We were cooking dinner and I just turned and said, "I keep waiting for John to walk in. It's weird that he's not here. I miss his big voice. You must too." And then we started talking about what a powerful presence he had and then Mickey told us all sorts of stories. It was a really happy night. We’ve celebrated their wedding anniversary since he passed away. Every morning when I have toast, I can still hear Robb's dad saying, "I like my butter ALL the way to the EDGE." Every time I make toast.

Don’t let death take people away from you. Celebrate the times you had together.

And this is where I find myself once again. Trying to celebrate all the great times we had with our little Lola. I'd like to say that you get to learn this lesson and move on, but this is one of those lessons that never gets easier.

The only thing I have learned is perspective. I am holding on to the knowledge that we have made it through the loss of a pet before. We have had joy in our lives after. We have survived.

The hurt doesn't go away. But by acknowledging your pain, you give it a name, and you give it an outlet. At first it’s all consuming. But you will survive.

I can not stop my feelings. I need to live with my emotions. I will experience them, and I will give them voice. I will set these feelings free.

When your friends need you, stop and be there. Listen to them and support them. By not "fixing" them, you can actually make it better.

Our Little Lolita 1999-2010

I will always remember the day Lola came into our lives. We worked in a less than stellar part of town and we worked long hours. We gave up trying to get home in tome to feed and potty our dogs Sophia and Nora and we just took them to work with us. Sophia the black and white Cocker Spaniel and Nora the Dalmatian.

One day the postman came in and told us our Dalmatian was out in the alley hiding in the tall grass. Except our Dalmatian was in the office with me. So Lyle went out and found the saddest shivering little puppy hiding in the alley. He picked her and to carry her in and she peed on him. Once he got her in the office she stood at the exit door and peed again. He kept coaxing her out into the center of the office and trying to assure her that it would all be fine.

He kept trying to get me to come out from my desk and play with her and I kept refusing. Finally I told him, "Look, if I touch that dog, we are going to keep that dog. And we already have two dogs and we don't need three."

He replied, "Just come and play with her." and then with the most beautiful twinkle in his eye, he added "If we had three dogs would that be so bad?"

Lola 4 month old with Sophia and Nora.

A week later Lyle asked me what I wanted for our tenth anniversary and I said, "Lola." I begged him to let us keep her and in the end he gave in and she was my gift from him that year. But every rescue dog knows exactly who brought them in from the cold and Lola was keenly devoted to Lyle.

Six years ago she had kidney failure and instead of putting a down payment on a house, we brought her back from the brink. For a year I would call for her to come to dinner, "House down payment, Dinner!" And let me tell you that every dollar we spent to keep her an additional 6 years was worth it. I would never change a thing.

This year her heart began to give up and we were told in late August that we had a week or less with her. We gave it our all and we stretched that week to two months. The last few days around her were difficult watching our once vibrant little princess slow down into an elderly senior dog.

We knew the end was approaching and we hoped for an easy gentle passing at home. Early Monday morning she passed away. Held in Lyle's lap with me petting her head and Cooper laying next to me. We told her how much we loved her and we have been crying every since.

Though I know we will survive, the pain is devastating. She was boundless joy and could lure you into a spooning nap with a look of her eye. She was my gift and Lyle's shadow. Right now the joy she filled our hearts with is left with an empty hole and we are doing our best to remember the brightest of times with her.

Halloween, West Hollywood, 2010

Last night was the annual West Hollywood, Halloween Parade. And by "parade" they mean 500,000 people walking up and down Santa Monica blvd stopping only to take photos or get a drink. If you couldn't make it, lucky you! I did.

Lyle and I are terrible at planning what to be for Halloween. I am the master of last minute costumes that cost under $100 for two people. We've been "New Year's Eve" which consisted of wearing black suits with bow ties, drinking only champagne and throwing confetti on everyone as they passed by; French people in which case we wore striped T-shirts, a bandanna around our necks and carried a baguette; Cowboys and one year we just went out in flannel pajama with messed up hair carrying teddy bears.

On Saturday we decided on Hockey players, which morphed into Gold Medal Canadian Hockey players.

Canada for the GOLD!

We went out with our friends Todd and Dan and their friend Chris and Tom.

Todd and Dan, "Hey Sailors!"

Chris and Tom, "Satan's minions."

And then we hit the boulevard! The boulevard is closed at noon to prepare it for the onslaught of humanity. They have stages with live performances. There is a need to outdo what you did last year, to out shine the person next to you, have your costume be as current as it can be or to show as much skin as possible. We saw a lot of Chilean miners, Snooki and well built guys using any excuse to call underwear a costume.

My personal favorite of the evening: Karl Lagerfeld!

There are no words to describe...

Satan's minions and a lifeguard... "Easy Access" indeed.

Glitter and be gay.

Our first Snooki of the evening.

I couldn't help but think she was out as a smoking Barbara Billinglsy.

Everyone loves a Dutch man. Why so serious Todd?

We had started out at 7:00 pm and we were home by midnight. I woke up this morning to with two big bumps and scrapes on my forehead... Oh yeah, Dan and I fell down about 10 pm. I can place that because I texted my friends, "concussion" at 10:05. The craziest part of all that, I felt quite fine this morning. I swear to god, next year I'm going as Karl Lagerfeld.