Friday, March 26, 2010

Nighttime

I've been sitting in the still of the night. Listening. To the oxygen.
To the woman across the hall. To my uncle trying to sleep. None of it
is easy.

I've been "the adult". I volunteered. I'm in a good place inside my
head, making peace with the shitty way I feel. I don't have to "do"
anything. I just have to "be".

I am used to doing, and fixing, and solving and entertaing... anything
to make it okay. I suck at sitting still, waiting, letting others,
listening... or letting things happen on their own.

Can't say I'm all cried out. I've got gallons left to go. I was there
by myself. I was there in a crowd I was never alone.

Not sleeping, but I wouldn't call it being awake. Hovering. Right next
to my uncle, behind the curtain. Seconds from leaping into action,
resigned to listen and let this happen. Out of sight, ever present,
mindful, benign, wishing, sorry, thankful, sad, overwhelmed.

My father's twin brother passed away tonight. I am sad. I am releived.
I wish we'd had more time. I have no regrets.

Over the last five days I have given everything I had to give. If he
were still struggeling, I would still be there. If pressed, I would
have given another 200%. There was nothing I wouldn't have done to
make his journey more comfortable.

Over the last 48 hours, as he lay with his eyes closed, medicated
against the pain I held his hand, I repeated to my uncle "I'm right
here. I'm not going anywhere. We're all here for you. You're going to
be alright. I love you Uncle Ed."