Wednesday, March 09, 2011

Happy-Sad-Missing


I saw Lola in the hallway Friday night.

I was sending Cooper out for final potty and then to bed. I glanced down the hallway from the back of the house, and there she was, standing up by the dining room. She was perky, wagging her tail and gave me that come hither, “Wanna give me a treat?” look.
It was not a ghost. It was her. I didn't freak out. I smiled, raised my eyebrows to greet her and gave he the "1 minute" hold sign with my finger.

I tucked Cooper in and then went back to see her, but she was gone. Oh my god, she was gone. It felt so natural to see her there I forgot she is no longer with us. If I'd thought she would leave so quickly I would have made Cooper wait and ran to hold her in the hallway. She was so real I did have to walk to where she had been to prove she was really gone, again. Then I cried for half an hour before I could go to bed.

I wrote an email to Lyle for him to read in the morning. And he cried before he could even get in the shower.

I told my mom and she said Lola just stopped by to let me know she was okay. I told her that was pretty mean because I feel as if I am going through the whole grief process all over again. And I have been. Very low key, very sad, a lot of crying. I thought I was doing really well moving through my grief for her, but now I think I was just pushing my feeling down until Lyle was better and suddenly it’s my turn.

In telling a few people I notice I have never said, “I thought I saw Lola” or “I had a dream with Lola” it was always “I SAW” her. And I did. And I was so happy to see her, it's made me feel as though I have lost her all over again.

6 comments:

Julie said...

Just as much as you need to know that Lola is okay, sometimes she needs to drop by to make sure you are all okay as well. That's what angels do.

bardellisgirl said...

Oh Jim.

I know what you mean. My mom stops in occasionally, our cousin who passed tragically last month does too.
Try "The Grief Recovery Handbook" It helps, it gives a better understanding of all things.

Julie is right, that is what Angels do.

Cheryl said...

I'm happy for you to have seen Lola. My cat Sam haunted our house for years. Somehow it always made me feel better knowing he was there.

A Lewis said...

Wow. What a beautiful visit from a beautiful girl to her beautiful Daddy. Such a great experience. It's clear how much she loves you.

Michael Guy said...

I get this. Totally. I kept seeing our first cat, Misty, months after she'd died. Like, a peek of tail around the hallway corner, or a paw beneath the chair skirt. And I do mean 'seeing' her. It was weird and freaky and blessed all at the same time.

Hugs - and Lola's love for you guys is eternal.

Jules said...

hugs hugs hugs hugs hugs