Wednesday, March 09, 2011
I saw Lola in the hallway Friday night.
I was sending Cooper out for final potty and then to bed. I glanced down the hallway from the back of the house, and there she was, standing up by the dining room. She was perky, wagging her tail and gave me that come hither, “Wanna give me a treat?” look. It was not a ghost. It was her. I didn't freak out. I smiled, raised my eyebrows to greet her and gave he the "1 minute" hold sign with my finger.
I tucked Cooper in and then went back to see her, but she was gone. Oh my god, she was gone. It felt so natural to see her there I forgot she is no longer with us. If I'd thought she would leave so quickly I would have made Cooper wait and ran to hold her in the hallway. She was so real I did have to walk to where she had been to prove she was really gone, again. Then I cried for half an hour before I could go to bed.
I wrote an email to Lyle for him to read in the morning. And he cried before he could even get in the shower.
I told my mom and she said Lola just stopped by to let me know she was okay. I told her that was pretty mean because I feel as if I am going through the whole grief process all over again. And I have been. Very low key, very sad, a lot of crying. I thought I was doing really well moving through my grief for her, but now I think I was just pushing my feeling down until Lyle was better and suddenly it’s my turn.
In telling a few people I notice I have never said, “I thought I saw Lola” or “I had a dream with Lola” it was always “I SAW” her. And I did. And I was so happy to see her, it's made me feel as though I have lost her all over again.