Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Catching up part 3

Referring back to my Father’s Day post.

My family reads this blog but won’t leave comments. They are not "lurkers" but they are not "sharers". I get e-mail direct from them. My mother wrote and told me I made her cry. It was never my intention to make anyone cry. The instances I used to illustrate my connection with my dad were just things that stood out in my mind and made sense to put together. I would say that growing up my father was always there for me, but we weren’t super close in a heading down to the fishin' hole Andy Griffith and Opie kind of way .

When my best friends mom was dieing and my parents were getting ready to become his guardian it was not without discourse. And that is the most polite thing I can say. I think I have re-created a pattern my parents have. I am like my mother in adopting strays. People, pets, furniture... Lyle has taken my dad’s role in keeping that to a minimum and really saving me from myself. I would give away far too much of myself have nothing left to give. Clearly you need a balance.

Though my dad was not gung-ho about bringing on another damn kid (he already had three damn kids) my mom persisted and there were 6 of us that Christmas and I am certain all six of us knew it was the right thing. And let me add this as well, my older brother and sister were absolutely 100% on board as well as my parents. When you factor in all the people pulling to make something so painful into something beautiful it really boggles the mind.

Perhaps I have inherited another aspect of my dad in that I think he is afraid of caring too much. Adding another kid to the group was going to be adding another person to worry about at night or when they are flying somewhere and that can be a real burden as well. Ironic note, my brother Scott is now a commercial pilot.

My older brother thinks my dad was afraid of messing us up, or it was just his generational way of dealing with kids. As I have gotten older, I no longer feel the need to wish I could change how it was, it brought me to who I am today and I like me. But it wasn’t always like that. I think everyone is seeking approval of their parents. And Though I officially came out to my dad about 8 years ago, it was at my wedding 3 years ago that I got what I needed.

My dad didn’t just accept me and love me because of who I was or in spite of who I was. He came and CELEBRATED who I was. It really meant the world to me. You know those people who cry and say, “The happiest day of my life was my wedding.” Count me in. What a sap.

My dad doesn't do the whole computer thing. My mom prints out each blog and gives it to him to read, photos and all. I guess he misses out when I do a movie. I don't mean to put words in my dad's mouth. And if he wants to tell me what he was thinking, feel free dad.

As for your offer of a hug Carolyn, you know how I feel about having my space invaded... I'm not saying no, I'm not saying yes. But I fully appreciate the offer coming from you. I'm guessing that with your intentions, it would be no invasion at all.

3 comments:

Rachel said...

Hey! *poke*

Hi!

Jim said...

ow. quit it. I'm telling.

Madeleine (that niece in Seattle) said...
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